


The Sun Hill Christmas Revue

by Augustus



Series: Unseen Episodes [3]
Category: The Bill
Genre: Crack, M/M, Way too many implied pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-07-08
Updated: 2000-07-08
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3177289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Bill boys and girls put on a show.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sun Hill Christmas Revue

**Author's Note:**

> Credits: Please see the end of the insanity for all the original owners of songs and sketches I've borrowed in the interest of humour. I don't want to give them all away at the start *g* In a few cases I've altered the lyrics a little.   
> Notes: I've noticed that I seem to be regularly "bashing" several characters. Purely for the sake of attempted humour, I'm afraid. I adore 'em all. Just not all as much as Rodney and John.

_(A crowded venue, which looks a lot like a cheaply hired church hall. The stage is cloaked with a dirty red curtain, although a piano is visible at one side, beside a steep flight of steps. There is a rather noisy audience filling the rest of the hall. If you look close enough you might recognise various wives, mothers and significant others._

_The hall lights go down and the audience eventually hushes up a little. Finally Di Worrell emerges from the middle of the curtain, carrying a microphone and wearing a very posh long, black dress.)_

WORRELL: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the annual Sun Hill Police Station Christmas Revue.

_(There is a smattering of applause from the audience, mostly coming from Luke Ashton's mother and a trashy peroxide blonde type in the front row.)_

WORRELL: As you probably know, the Christmas Revue is held every year in order to raise money for the police widows fund. I hope you all bought raffle tickets on the way in. The raffle will be drawn half way through the night's proceedings and I wish you all luck.

And now, without further ado, I'd like to introduce our very first act to you.

_(She pauses for dramatic effect.)_

WORRELL: You may know these PCs better in uniform, when they're out on the beat. However, tonight they're going back in time a little. Please welcome PCs Harker, McCann, Quinnan and Garfield as they perform for you... ABBA's "Dancing Queen"!!!

_(There is a loud rush of applause as Di disappears off stage._

_A jarring chord announces the curtain rise - to reveal a keyboard - and familiar music starts belting out of an unseen source...)_

MUSIC: You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen...

_(Gary McCann and Sam Harker emerge, suitably dressed in seventies attire. Gary is pretending to play the guitar. Sam moves over to the keyboard so that he can pretend to play that.)_

MUSIC: Friday night and the lights are low  
Looking out for the place to go  
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing...

_(There is a burst of laughter from the Audience as tonight's Agnetha and Frida emerge. The ladies are being played by George Garfield and Dave Quinnan respectively, all frocked and wigged up and enthusiastically taking turns at miming to the music.)_

QUINNAN: You come in to look for a king  
Anybody could be that guy

GARFIELD: Night is young and the music's high  
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine

QUINNAN: You're in the mood for a dance

GARFIELD: And when you get the chance...

_(With the chorus begins a rather horrifying dance routine on the part of George Garfield, who apparently believes that he IS the dancing queen reincarnated. Several audience members are forced to leave immediately.)_

QUINNAN: You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen  
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen

GARFIELD: You're a teaser, you turn 'em on  
Leave them burning and then you're gone

QUINNAN: Looking out for another, anyone will do  
You're in the mood for a dance

GARFIELD: And when you get the chance...

_(George spins and whirls sickeningly - pausing only to flash a bit of leg every now and then, and wink a blue coloured eyelid at an unfortunate audience member.)_

QUINNAN: You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen  
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the Dancing Queen

_(The music fades in the background as all four 'musicians' gather towards the front of the stage for a final bow. The applause is confused at best.  
Finally the music stops and the curtain falls.  
After a few seconds Di Worrell reappears.)_

WORRELL: _(Coughing)_ Well, wasn't that great, folks. I'm sure you'll all have a lot of respect for PC Garfield next time you see him out on the streets of London. And the boys would like to say a big thank you to their mothers for helping them with the costumes.

Next up, we're fast forwarding to the present with Sun Hill's very own DI, Chris Deakin, who will be performing a very special number he's choreographed himself. DI Deakin will also be providing his own vocals for this number so it's sure to be an absolute treat. So, can we have a huge round of applause for CID's own Britney Spears, singing " _(You Drive Me)_ Crazy"!!!

_(The huge round of applause is, indeed, forthcoming. It would appear that the audience REALLY wants to see this, if only for a laugh.  
The curtains swing open as Di disappears. The stage remains dark until the opening chords of the song are played.   
And then Chris Deakin is revealed.   
The DI is wearing a cheeky little red PVC number, somewhat reminiscent of the one Britney wears in the clip for "Ooops!… I did it again". He has replaced the wig that was damaged in the recent vomiting incident with a lovely blonde hairpiece, complete with red-ribboned pigtails. The outfit is completed with red platform heels in a gorgeous patent leather finish. All in all it's a very... interesting... look.   
Pulling a microphone out of a concealed pocket in the PVC number, he begins to sing...)_

DEAKIN: Baby, I'm so into you  
You got that something  
What can I do?

_(And with this he launches into his little dance number. There is a feeling to it that hints at a combination of the film clips for " _(Hit Me Baby)_ One More Time" and " _(You Drive Me)_ Crazy". However, the moves looked a hell of a lot sexier when Britney did them. Chris continues to sing as he thrusts and shimmies around the stage.)_

DEAKIN: Baby, you spin me around  
The earth is moving  
But I can't feel the ground  
Every time you look at me  
My heart is jumping  
It's easy to see  
Lovin' you means so much more  
More than anything I ever felt before

_(Several members of the audience seem to be appreciating the performance, but Deakin seems rather oblivious. In fact, he seems more to be performing for an unseen person in the wings...)_

DEAKIN: You drive me crazy  
I just can't sleep  
I'm so excited  
I'm in too deep  
Crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night

_(Yep. There's definitely someone off to the side. Luckily, the camera angle changes so that the audience - and the reader - isn't left completely in the dark.  
A very disgusted looking Rodney Skase is revealed.)_

DEAKIN: Tell me, you're so into me  
That I'm the only one  
You will see  
Tell me, I'm not in the blue  
That I'm not wasting  
My feelings on you  
Lovin' you means so much more  
More than anything I ever felt before 

_(Looking very ill, Rod disappears off into the darkness of the wings. Disappointment immediately registers on Chris' face, but he continues on with his number like the professional he is, albeit with somewhat less enthusiasm.)_

DEAKIN: You drive me crazy  
I just can't sleep  
I'm so excited  
I'm in too deep  
Crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night

_(Continually casting looks into the wings to see whether Rodney has reappeared, Deakin eventually begins to flirt scarily with the members of the audience unfortunate enough to be occupying the front couple of rows. Presumably he's trying to make Skase jealous...)_

DEAKIN: Crazy, I just can't sleep  
I'm so excited  
I'm in too deep  
Crazy, but it feels alright  
Every day and every night

_(Unfortunately, in leaning over to flutter his fake eyelashes at one particular middle aged woman - who looks a bit like she could be Sam Harker's mother - Deakin loses his new wig. It falls on to the floor, beyond his reach.  
But the act must go on, and go on it does, albeit with a rather bald Britney Spears.)_

DEAKIN: You drive me crazy  
I just can't sleep  
I'm so excited  
I'm in too deep  
Crazy, but it feels alright  
Baby, thinkin' of you keeps me up all night

_(The music ends and Deakin quickly shimmies behind the curtain, which falls. There is a roar of applause from the audience, who greatly appreciated his "don't give up" attitude, if not his PVC clad love-handles.  
Di reappears to announce the next act.)_

WORRELL: Well, another interesting number, there. I'm sure you're all glad to know that it's men like DI Deakin who are at the head of your local Police Force. If the same dedication that you just saw then is applied to catching criminals - and I'm sure it is - then we can all sleep safe at night knowing that the Sun Hill CID is at work.

Next up we have the rare offering of a collaboration between the Uniform and CID divisions, with a number by DCs Proctor and Lennox and PC Santini. I have a feeling that you'll all know this piece of music, so feel free to join in during the chorus if the feeling hits you!

Now, without further ado, I give you Tom Proctor, Duncan Lennox and Eddie Santini in - The Time Warp!!!

_(Di disappears again to loud applause. The song is obviously an audience favourite. The curtain rises to reveal a paper backdrop crudely painted to look like a sumptuous staircase. Tom, Duncan and Eddie are striking poses in the middle of the stage which we can only assume are meant to be of an erotic nature._

_Tom is playing Riff Raff. He is wearing a tatty old suit, that actually looks like it may have originally stolen right off the body of a suitably drunken tramp. He is wearing a shortish blonde fright wig, presumably following in the footsteps of the movie, rather than the stage, Riff Raff. His makeup is suitably Rocky Horrorish. It suits him._

_Duncan has been rather interestingly cast as Magenta. He's wearing a lovely Elvira-type number, which really shows off his ample cleavage and amply hairy chest. He too is wearing a wig, although his is a lovely burgundy mop of curls in the style of the movie Magenta. He too is wearing gothic makeup, with very black eyes and very red lips. It DOESN'T suit HIM._

_Finally, Eddie is playing Columbia, wearing a lovely sparking sequin two piece in order to do the role credit. The top half of the outfit consists of a bright pink sequinned corset, while he wears yellow sequinned hotpants over his fishnets. He has pink lippie, and gold eyeshadow up to his eyebrows. It looks hideous. The ensemble is topped off with a glittery gold top hat. You know. The kind you buy in supermarkets._

_As the music starts, it quickly becomes obvious that this will again be a mimed number. It's probably a good thing.)_

PROCTOR: It's astounding  
Time is fleeting  
Madness takes its toll  
But listen closely

LENNOX: Not for very much longer

PROCTOR: I've got to keep control  
I remember doing the Time Warp  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me

PROCTOR & LENNOX: And the void would be calling

_(Cue classic Time Warp actions. You know the ones. And if not, the lyrics kind of give it away. It's scary how good a Riff Raff Proctor makes.)_

ALL THREE: Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
It's just a jump to the left  
And then a step to the right  
With your hands on your hips  
You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

_(Now that the chorus - and the actions - are over, Eddie returns to what he obviously thinks are sexy poses, giving the eye to several members of the audience. Duncan and Tom, however, are still really getting into their roles, with Tom writing all over Duncan.  
Rather alarming to have to watch such a thing, really...)_

LENNOX: It's so dreamy  
Oh, fantasy free me  
So you can't see me  
No, not at all  
In another dimension  
With voyeuristic intention  
Well secluded, I see all

PROCTOR: With a bit of a mind flip

LENNOX: You're into the time slip

PROCTOR: And nothing can ever be the same

LENNOX: You're spaced out on sensation

PROCTOR: Like you're under sedation

ALL THREE: Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

_(Oooh! It's time for Eddie's solo. He struts out of the front of the stage and launches into a scarily convincing take off of Little Nell's Columbia. He even seems to have some previous knowledge of tap dancing.  
Who KNOWS what these coppers get up to in their spare time...)_

SANTINI: Well I was walking down the street  
Just a having a think  
When a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink  
He shook-a me up, he took me by surprise  
He had a pick up truck and the devil's eyes  
He stared at me and I felt a change  
Time meant nothing, never would again

_(And now it's time for the grand finale. By this stage the audience is really getting into the whole Rocky Horror feeling, and about half of the patrons are up and doing the actions along with the performers on stage.)_

ALL THREE: Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
It's just a jump to the left  
And then a step to the right  
With your hands on your hips  
You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust  
That really drives you insane  
Let's do the Time Warp again  
Let's do the Time Warp again

_(They finish the song to huge applause. The number is a hit, even if a Duncan in drag and a nearly nude Eddie are not.  
After several bows they step back and the curtain falls. A laughing Worrell retakes the stage.)_

WORRELL: See, folks, that's the sort of thing that can happen when Uniform and CID actually co-operate with each other! I'll think you'll agree with me when I say that it should happen a lot more often! Although I have a feeling that Eddie Santini had to look no further than his own wardrobe when coming up with THAT particular costume.

_(The people from the first act of the night have removed clothes and makeup and are now making their way to a few spare seats in the front row, wearing normal clothing.)_

For our next act we have another number from a well known musical, performed by our very own PC Hollis. This particular musical is perhaps most familiar for its infamous nude scenes. Reg has promised, however, that he'll be doing the next number fully clothed - a fact for which you are probably all rather grateful.  
Everyone, please put your hands together for Reg Hollis with his interpretation of "Black Boys" from Hair!!!

_(There is loud applause as Di disappears and the curtain is lifted to reveal Reg all dressed out in leather and obviously trying to look well-hard. It's not working. Well, it's hard to look like a bad boy with a head like his, let's face it.  
As the music starts it becomes obvious that Reg is going to be singing this little number himself. Which he does. Badly.)_

HOLLIS: Black boys are delicious,   
Chocolate flavoured love.  
Licorice lips like candy,  
I keep my cocoa handy.  
I have such a sweet tooth when it comes to love;

_(It gradually becomes apparent that Reg isn't so much singing AT the audience in general, as TO one person in the front row.  
Gary.  
Who isn't appreciating it, but the look on his face.)_

HOLLIS: Once I tried a diet of quiet rest, no sweets,  
But I went nearly crazy,  
And I went clearly crazy  
Because I really craved for the chocolate flavoured treats. Oh!

_(George, Dave and Sam have all caught on by now and look torn between the two options of snickering loudly and feeling quite squicked by the whole thing.  
Gary feels no such dilemma. He looks as though he's beginning to turn quite green from the squick factor, in fact.)_

HOLLIS: Black boys are nutritious  
Black boys fill me up.  
Black boys are so damn yummy,  
They satisfy my tummy.  
I have such a sweet tooth when it comes to love.

_(Reg has given up on even ATTEMPTING to pretend that he's performing for the entire audience. He's singing straight at Gary by now. It's more than obvious that this isn't so much a number as a come-on.)_

HOLLIS: Black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black, black boys.

_(As the curtain falls and covers up Reg, Gary runs out of the hall, in the direction of the little boys room. The applause seems more scattered than it has for the last few acts.  
Di looks rather intrigued as she returns to the stage this time.)_

WORRELL: Well, thank you, Reg, for that interesting little piece. It's nice to see that relations between fellow police officers are so tolerant these days.  
Now we're going to be treated to another trip back in time. We've already had numbers from Hair and The Rocky Horror Show, but now it's time for some culture in the form of Gilbert and Sullivan.  
Can you all welcome to stage Sergeant Cryer, Inspector Conway and Sun Hill's head honcho, Chief Inspector Brownlow in their very own rendition of "Three Little Maids From School"

_(There is instant laughter with the revelation of the title of this number. This laughter only grows as Di leaves the stage and the curtain rises to reveal Charles Brownlow, Derek Conway and Bob Cryer, all wearing school-frocks and wigs of various girly hairstyles. Conway has lovely black freckles drawn on his nose and cheeks, while Brownlow has one of his front teeth blacked out. Cryer is carrying a large coloured lollypop.  
As the music begins, two things become obvious. _(a)_ They’re miming and _(b)_ Choreography obviously wasn't high on their list of priorities.)_

ALL THREE: Three little maids from school are we   
Pert as a school-girl well can be   
Filled to the brim with girlish glee   
Three little maids from school 

_(So far their dance steps seem to consist solely of rocking from one foot to the other.)_

ALL THREE: Everything is a source of fun   
Nobody's safe, for we care for none   
Life is a joke that's just begun   
Three little maids from school 

_(They then launch into a complicated number which seems to consist of passing Cryer's lollypop around.)_

ALL THREE: Three little maids who, all unwary   
Come from a ladies' seminary   
Freed from its genius tutelary   
Three little maids from school   
Three little maids from school 

_(A veil is retrieved from underneath Conway's skirt and placed on Cryer's head in anticipation of the next verse.)_

CRYER: One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum 

BROWNLOW & CONWAY: Two little maids in attendance come 

ALL THREE: Three little maids is the total sum   
Three little maids from school   
Three little maids from school 

_(The choreography for the next verse seems to consist of the three skipping around in circles. It's certainly an interesting sight.)_

CRYER: From three little maids take one away 

BROWNLOW & CONWAY: Two little maids remain, and they   
Won't have to wait very long, they say 

ALL THREE: Three little maids from school   
Three little maids from school 

_(The skipping stops and they go back to rocking back and forth.)_

ALL THREE: Three little maids who, all unwary   
Come from a ladies' seminary   
Freed from its genius tutelary   
Three little maids from school   
Three little maids from school 

_(They finish the number to confused applause. As the curtain falls, Worrell reappears.)_

WORRELL: Well, that's certainly changed my view of my superiors forever. I hope you, as the general public, can take that little memory away with you in order to gain a little more confidence in those who are in charge of the Police Force today.

Next, we are thrown back into the world of contemporary pop with a snazzy number from some of the women at Sun Hill. The girls are doing all their own vocals for this little piece AND have done all of their own choreography. So, without further ado, I present WPCs Page, Hagen and Blake and WDCs Rawton and Holmes as Sun Hill's very own Spice Girls, with Wannabe.

_(There is a round of applause and as Di leaves the stage the curtain is lifted to reveal Polly, Vickie, Jamilla, Liz and Kerry, all Spiced up.  
Polly is obviously meant to be Baby Spice. Her blonde hair has been pulled into pigtails and she is wearing a pale pink A-line dress with white platform sneakers. It suits her rather too well, really.  
Vickie is the Sporty Spice of the group. Her hair is pulled back into a pony tail and she's wearing Adidas from top to toe.   
Jamilla is obviously the Scary Spice. Her hair has been crimped beyond recognition, and it looks as though she's been using gold hair mascara to give the frizz Mel G highlights. She's wearing a lovely leopard print ensemble that immediately catches the attention of most of the men in the audience.  
Liz is the group's Posh Spice. She has her hair in the post-Beckham spikey style and is wearing a little black number. It's a different look to her usual one, but she carries it off well.  
Finally, Kerry is the obvious choice for Ginger Spice. She's been at the hair mascara too by the looks of things, as she now has a blonde fringe. She's just BARELY wearing a Union Jack dress. Sam Harker seems to be pretty interested in the outfit...  
As the music begins they launch into their number.)_

BLAKE: Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,

HOLMES: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,

RAWTON: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,

PAGE: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,

HAGEN: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna 

ALL FIVE: Really really really wanna zigazig ha.

_(It's obvious they've put a lot of effort into this. The dancing and singing are amateur, but the overall effect is actually pretty funky.)_

HAGEN: If you want my future forget my past,

HOLMES: If you wanna get with me better make it fast,

BLAKE: Now don't go wasting my precious time,

PAGE: Get your act together we could be just fine 

_(There's way too much energy up on that stage. They're all bouncing around like frisky puppies or something of a similar "oh how cute" factor.)_

BLAKE: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,

HOLMES: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,

HAGEN: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna 

RAWTON: Really really really wanna zigazig ha. 

ALL FIVE: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,  
Make it last forever friendship never ends,  
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.

HAGEN: What do you think about that now you know how I feel,

PAGE: Say you can handle my love are you for real,

HOLMES: I won't be hasty, I'll give you a try

RAWTON: If you really bug me then I'll say goodbye. 

BLAKE: Yo I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,

PAGE: So tell me what you want, what you really really want,

HAGEN: I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna 

HOLMES: Really really really wanna zigazig ha. 

ALL FIVE: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,  
Make it last forever friendship never ends,  
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is. 

_(Jamilla really gets into the whole rap business leaping around the stage and getting into rap poses every few seconds. The audience is clearly impressed.)_

BLAKE: So here's a story from A to Z  
You wanna get with me  
You gotta listen carefully,  
We got Polly in the place who likes it in your face,  
We got K like V who likes it on an  
Easy Liz doesn't come for free, she's a real lady,  
And as for me, ah you'll see,

HAGEN: Slam your body down and wind it all around

RAWTON: Slam your body down and wind it all around. 

_(And for the finale...)_

ALL FIVE: If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends,  
Make it last forever friendship never ends,  
If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give,  
Taking is too easy, but that's the way it is.   
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, 

BLAKE: You gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam

PAGE: Slam your body down and wind it all around.

HOLMES: Slam your body down and wind it all around.

HAGEN: Slam your body down and wind it all around.

RAWTON: Slam your body down zigazig ah 

ALL FIVE: If you wanna be my lover. 

_(They finish the song to huge applause, all panting and dripping with sweat. They take a couple of bows before ducking under the falling curtain.  
Di Worrell reappears.)_

WORRELL: And who says today's police force isn't as fit as the police force of old?!? A fantastic effort by the WPCs and WDCs, showing the men of Sun Hill exactly how it should be done!

It's time for a change of pace now, with a humour piece from DC Jim Carver who is being ably assisted by Sergeant June Ackland and all of the Sun Hill extras. Please go wild with applause for Jim, June and Monty Python's Lumberjack Song!

_(The audience does just that. The curtain lifts and Di leaves the stage.  
Jim is revealed wearing full uniform - a hint for the upcoming episodes perhaps. He is sitting at a desk, looking as though he's doing paperwork.)_

CARVER: Paperwork, paperwork, ALWAYS bloody paperwork. You would think that a copper would be out catching criminals or something, but NO - here I am, sitting at a desk, doing PAPERWORK instead. It's ridiculous.  
And you know, I never wanted to do this job in the first place!   
I... I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK! 

_(Background music begins to play softly as Jim rips off the blue tit and his jumper - revealing a lovely red tartan flannelette shirt.)_

CARVER: Leaping from tree to tree!   
As they float down the mighty river of the London Thames!   
With my best girl by my side! 

_(June appears from the side of the stage, wearing a GORGEOUS blue gingham number, with the skirt starched right out to about a metre's width on all sides. She snuggles into Jim's side.)_

CARVER: The Larch!   
The Pine!   
The Giant Redwood tree!   
The Sequoia!   
The Little Whopping Rude Tree!   
We'd sing!   
Sing!   
Sing! 

_(With this, Carver launches into song.)_

CARVER: Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,   
I sleep all night and I work all day. 

_(A chorus made up of all the extras [minus, of course, the electrocuted Trev] appears from the side of the stage and quickly forms lines. They are all wearing complete police uniform and are holding the old 'tit' style of helmet in their arms. They begin to sing.)_

EXTRAS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,   
He sleeps all night and he works all day. 

CARVER: I cut down trees,   
I eat my lunch,   
I go to the lavatory.   
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'   
And have buttered scones for tea. 

EXTRAS: He cuts down trees,   
He eats his lunch,   
He goes to the lavatory.   
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'   
And has buttered scones for tea. 

CARVER & EXTRAS: He's/I'm a lumberjack and he's/I'm okay  
He/I sleep/s all night and he/I work/s all day

CARVER: I cut down trees,   
I skip and jump,   
I like to press wild flowers.   
I put on women's clothing,   
And hang around in bars. 

EXTRAS: He cuts down trees,   
He skips and jumps,   
He likes to press wild flowers.   
He puts on women's clothing   
And hangs around.... In bars??????? 

_(A lot of confusion follows the last phrase. The extras all look around at each other and over at Jim.)_

CARVER & EXTRAS: He's/I'm a lumberjack and he's/I'm okay  
He/I sleep/s all night and he/I work/s all day

CARVER: I chop down trees,   
I wear high heels,   
Suspendies and a bra.   
I wish I'd been a girlie   
Just like my dear Super. 

_(With this, Jim removes the police regulation trousers to reveal hot-pants, suspenders and fish-net stockings.)_

EXTRAS: He cuts down trees,   
He wears high heels   
_(spoken, raggedly)_ Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra???? 

_(The extras are all completely horrified now.)_

EXTRAS: What's all this, then? Wants to be a *girlie*? There are LAWS against that, young man. You're NICKED!!!

ACKLAND: _(Sobbed)_ And I thought you were so rugged! 

EXTRAS: Pervert! 

ALL: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy.....

_(The curtain falls, to huge applause. Di appears on the stage once more, giggling away.)_

WORRELL: The worry is, DC Carver found all of his costumes for this sketch in his own wardrobe!

Now we've come to the mid point of the evening. Which means that it's time to draw tonight's raffle. Those of you who bought tickets on the way in, will know that tonight's first prize is a date with the police officer of your choosing.

_(Brownlow appears on the side of the stage with a hat full of raffle tickets. He is out of costume, and wearing a dress suit now instead. Di reaches in and takes one, before unfolding it and reading out the name.)_

WORRELL: And the winner is...

_(She pauses for dramatic effort.)_

WORRELL: Rosie Fox??????

_(There is a murmur from the audience at this announcement. Rosie herself appears and walks up to the stage to have her hand shaken by Brownlow.)_

BROWNLOW: Congratulations.

_(His speaking reveals that his front tooth is still blacked out. It's an interesting look.)_

FOX: Thanks.

WORRELL: And who would you like to go on a date with, Rosie?

FOX: PC Santini.

_(Di and Brownlow look shocked.)_

WORRELL: But...

FOX: For his date, PC Santini's going to go skydiving.

_(There is a yelp of agony from backstage and Eddie runs out, still wearing his Columbia outfit.)_

SANTINI: But I'm TERRIFIED of heights!

FOX: I know.

_(Di and Brownlow try to hide their amusement.)_

WORRELL: That sounds like a great idea, Rosie. Hang around after the show and we'll make the arrangements. 

_(Brownlow wanders back off stage, dragging a not-very-happy Eddie with him. Rosie goes back to her seat in the audience, grinning evilly.)_

WORRELL: And now it's on with the show.  
Next up it's a solo number by Uniform Sergeant Boyden. Matt will be performing Ricky Martin's 'Living La Vida Loca!!!

_(There is a round of applause and she leaves the stage.  
The curtain rises to reveal Matt Boyden standing in the middle of the stage. He is wearing VERY tight leather pants and a tight tee shirt - Ricky Martin style. As soon as the music starts, he begins to gyrate and thrust his way around the stage.)_

BOYDEN: She's into superstitions  
Black cats and voodoo dolls  
I feel a premonition  
That girl's gonna make me fall   
She's into new sensations  
New kicks in the candlelight  
She's got a new addiction  
For every day and night 

_(By now most of the women in the audience are very much getting into the song.)_

BOYDEN: She'll make you take your  
Clothes off and go dancing in the rain  
She'll make you live her crazy life  
But she'll take away your pain  
Like a bullet to your brain   
Upside inside out  
She's livin' la vida loca  
She'll push and pull you down  
Livin' la vida loca  
Her lips are devil red  
And her skin's the color mocha  
She will wear you out  
Livin' la vida loca  
Livin' la vida loca  
She's livin' la vida loca 

_(Boyden begins to sing to the peroxide blonde type in the centre of the front row. She looks as though she's about to faint.)_

BOYDEN: Woke up in New York City  
In a funky cheap hotel  
She took my heart and she took my money  
She must've slipped me a sleeping pill   
She never drinks the water  
And makes you order french champagne  
Once you've had a taste of her  
You'll never be the same  
Yeah, she'll make you go insane  
Upside inside out  
She's livin' la vida loca  
She'll push and pull you down  
Livin' la vida loca  
Her lips are devil red  
And her skin's the color mocha  
She will wear you out  
Livin' la vida loca  
Livin' la vida loca  
She's livin' la vida loca 

_(During the last chorus the women in the audience begin to throw copious amounts of underpants and bras onto the stage. Boyden takes all of this in his stride - almost as if he didn't expect anything less than this reaction.)_

BOYDEN: She'll make you take your  
Clothes off and go dancing in the rain  
She'll make you live her crazy life  
But she'll take away your pain  
Like a bullet to your brain   
Upside inside out  
She's livin' la vida loca  
She'll push and pull you down  
Livin' la vida loca  
Her lips are devil red  
And her skin's the color mocha  
She will wear you out  
Livin' la vida loca  
Livin' la vida loca  
She's livin' la vida loca 

_(Matt finishes the song to enormous applause. There are several loud screams as well. Most of this seems to be coming from the female members of the audience, however.  
The curtain falls and Di reappears, kicking underwear out of her way as she walks across the stage.)_

WORRELL: _(A little breathless)_ Well... that was certainly... interesting.

_(She pauses a moment to regain her breath.)_

WORRELL: Next up we have another comedy sketch, performed for us by DS Daly and DS Beech. Don and Geoff will be performing for us Monty Python's "Flying Sheep".

_(As Worrell leaves the stage, the curtain lifts to reveal a country gate set up in the middle of the stage, on which Farmer Geoff is leaning, wearing a suitably farmer-ish outfit and chewing a piece of straw. There is a crudely painted country scene as a back drop.  
Beech wanders onto stage, dressed in full stereotypical English business man attire - complete with brolly, bowler and copy of the Times.  
Throughout the entire sketch there are offstage "Baa-ing" noises.)_

BEECH: Good afternoon.

DALY: Afternoon

BEECH: Ah, lovely day, isn't it?

DALY: Ar, 'tis that.

BEECH: Are you here on holiday or... ?

DALY: No, no. I live here.

BEECH: Oh, jolly good, too. 

_(Don looks around the field, seeming rather puzzled about something.)_

BEECH: I say, those ARE sheep, aren't they?

DALY: Ar.

BEECH: Yes, yes of course, I thought so... only... er why are they up in the trees?

DALY: A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind. It is my considered opinion that they're nesting.

BEECH: Nesting?

DALY: Ar.

BEECH: Like birds?

DALY: Ar. Exactly! Birds is the key to the whole problem. It is my belief that these sheep are labouring under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behaviour. Take for a start the sheep's tendency to hop about the field on their back legs.  
Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as plummet.

_(Sound of sheep plummeting.)_

DALY: Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly.

_(A baaaaa... thump sound)_

DALY: Talk about the blind leading the blind.

BEECH: But why do they think they're birds?

DALY: Another fair question. One thing is for sure; a sheep is not a creature of the air. It has enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perching.

_(Crash!)_

DALY: As you see. As for flight, its body is totally unadapted to the problems of aviation. Trouble is, sheep are very dim. And once they get an idea into their heads there's no shifting it.

BEECH: But where did they get the idea from?

DALY: From Harold. He's that sheep over there under the elm. He's that most dangerous of animals - a clever sheep. He's the ring-leader. He has realised that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months and then being eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitions sheep. He's patently hit on the idea of escape.

BEECH: But why don't you just get rid of Harold?

DALY: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities should he succeed.

_(The curtain drops and the audience applauds as Di reappears on stage.)_

WORRELL: DS Daly really looks at home in that farmer's get-up doesn't he?!?

_(There is loud laughter from back stage. It sounds like it's coming from Beech and Boulton.)_

WORRELL: Next up, it's another musical number, with DCI Meadows and Inspector Monroe. Jack and Andrew will be performing "You're The One That I Want" from the musical, Grease.

_(Di leaves the stage and there is a round of applause as the curtain lifts.  
Jaaack and Andy are revealed.   
Andrew is wearing a black leather jacket with T-Birds written on the back and a tight black tee shirt above tight black jeans. What's left of his hair has been thickly slicked back with gel - possibly borrowed from Rodney.  
In contrast, Jaaaack's blonde hair has been curled and is framing his face prettily. He's wearing a skin-tight, lycra cat-suit, is covered in thick make up and is smoking a cigarette. As the music starts it becomes apparent that they are both miming. )_

MONROE: I got chills they're multiplying  
And I'm losing control  
Cause the power you're supplying  
It's Electrifying!

_(Jaaack drops his cigarette on the ground and crushes it beneath his stiletto-clad foot.)_

MEADOWS: You better shape up cause I need a man  
And my heart is set on you   
You better shape up, you better understand  
To my heart I must be true

_(Jaaack points at Monroe, walking forwards so that Andrew has to walk backwards.)_

BOTH: You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
The one that I need oh yes indeed

_(They stop as Jaaack takes his turn to mime solo again.)_

MEADOWS: If you feel true affection  
You're to shy to convey  
Meditate in my direction  
Feel your way

MONROE: I better shape up, cause you need a man

MEADOWS: I need a man  
Who can keep me satisfied

MONROE: I better shape up, if I'm gonna prove 

MEADOWS: You better prove  
That my faith is justified

MONROE: Are you sure? 

MEADOWS: Yes I'm sure deep down inside

_(This time it's Monroe going forwards and Meadows going backwards.)_

BOTH: You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
The one that I need oh yes indeed

_(They reverse once again.)_

BOTH: You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
The one that I need oh yes indeed

_(They reverse a third time.)_

BOTH: You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
The one that I need oh yes indeed

_(They reverse one final time.)_

BOTH: You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
You're the one that I want ho ho ho honey  
The one that I need oh yes indeed

_(The music fades and the curtain drops to more applause. Di reappears.)_

WORRELL: That was DCI Meadows and Inspector Monroe demonstrating to us just what it takes to hold rank in the modern Police Force - co-operation between Uniform and CID!  
Next up we have ANOTHER greasy number. This time, however, it's from the much criticised sequel - Grease Two. Please put your hands together for PCs Stamp and Ashton with the infamous pick-up song; "Let's Do It For Our Country".

_(The curtain rises. Tony and Luke are looking rather unassuming, just wearing casual clothes.  
There is an air raid siren and then the music starts.)_

STAMP: England is calling  
Let's care enough to give our very best  
For if we give our very best  
I know that we will more than pass the test  
If I could have three wishes  
I'd wish that you'd live free  
I'd wish for amber waves of grain  
From sea to shining sea

_(Luke is obviously hanging on to every word that Tone's singing.)_

STAMP: Yeah let's do it for our country  
The red, white and the blue  
It's the Queen who's asking  
So your mother will approve  
Tomorrow I'll be fighting   
And I'll win this war for you  
Let's do it for our country  
Our country wants us to.

_(Luke produces a bandage and starts to bandage Tony's arm.)_

STAMP: Bullets are exploding  
They’ll soon be at the door  
Give something to Great Britain  
You never gave before  
Yeah let's do it for our country  
The red, white and the blue  
If the Queen herself was standing here  
I'm sure she would approve  
I'll be a mighty soldier  
Before this night is through  
Let's do it for our country  
Our country wants us to.

_(Luke has finished on Tony's arm and is now bandaging Tony's head.)_

STAMP: _(Spoken)_ Just think about it  
It would be like as if we were doing it for the Tower Of London  
For Buckingham Palace,   
For Manchester United  
It would be like as if we were doing it for Marks and Sparks!!!  
 _(Singing again)_ Let's do it for our country  
The red, white and the blue  
It's not a lot to ask for much  
Our parents will approve  
Tomorrow I'll be fighting  
And I'll win this war for you  
Let's do it for our country  
We owe it to our country  
Let's do it for our country  
Our country wants us to.

_(There is a slightly different ending to that seen in the movie. Luke leans into the overly bandaged Tony and gives him a big kiss.  
As the curtain falls, it takes the surprised audience a moment to realise that they're meant to be applauding.  
As they finally do so, Di reappears.)_

WORRELL: An interesting finale there, courtesy of young PC Ashton.  
Next, we have another musical number. Earlier on in the evening we were all doing the Time Warp. Now we return to the Rocky Horror show, courtesy of DCI Frank Burnside. Tonight Frank will be performing "Sweet Transvestite".

_(The curtain rises and Di disappears. Frank is standing in the middle of the stage. He's wearing full Frank N Furter clobber - black skirted corset, black satin underwear, suspenders, fish-net stockings and stilettos. His hair is all teased up and he's wearing heavy makeup.  
The music begins and Frank launches into miming the number.)_

BURNSIDE: How do you do  
I see you've met my faithful handyman  
He's just a little brought down because  
When you knocked  
He thought you were the candyman

_(Burnside begins to strut around the stage.)_

BURNSIDE: Don't get strung out by the way I look  
Don't judge a book by its cover  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

_(Now he adds in a bit of thrusting...)_

BURNSIDE: I'm just a sweet transvestite  
From Transexual, Transylvania

_(Back to just strutting.)_

BURNSIDE: Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound  
You look like you're both pretty groovy  
Or if you want something visual  
That's not too abysmal  
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie  
Well you got caught with a flat  
Well how 'bout that  
Well babies don't you panic  
By the light of the night  
It'll all seem alright  
I'll get you a Satanic mechanic

_(And it's back to the thrusting... this time he seems to have singled out Luke Ashton's mother. She doesn't seem too annoyed about it.)_

BURNSIDE: I'm just a sweet transvestite  
From Transexual, Transylvania

_(He pauses mid thrust as the tempo changes again.)_

BURNSIDE: Why don't you stay for the night  
Or maybe a bite  
I could show you my favourite obsession  
I've been making a man  
With blonde hair and a tan  
And he's good for relieving my tension

_(Frank starts parading around the stage again.)_

BURNSIDE: I'm just a sweet transvestite  
From Transexual, Transylvania  
Hit it! Hit it!  
I'm just a sweet transvestite  
Sweet Transvestite!  
From Transexual Transylvania  
So come up to the lab  
And see what's on the slab  
I see you shiver with antici......

_(He stops in his tracks, pausing for about a minute and winking at Luke's mummy.)_

BURNSIDE: ...pation  
But maybe the rain  
Isn't really to blame  
So I'll remove the cause  
But not the symptom

_(The curtain drops to huge applause. Obviously this audience quite enjoys the drag acts.  
Di Worrell reappears.)_

WORRELL: DCI Frank Burnside as Sun Hill's very own Frank N Furter!

_(There's even more applause.)_

WORRELL: Now it's time for our penultimate act for the night. We're leaving 'The Rocky Horror Show', but we're staying with Richard O'Brien. Please welcome to the stage DC Rodney Skase, who will be singing "Me Of Me" from the lesser known sequel to 'The Rocky Horror Show' - 'Shock Treatment'.

_(There is applause as Di leaves the stage once more. The curtain lifts to reveal Rodney. His hair is perfect - of course. His outfit is perfect - of course. He's looking sensational - of course. Honestly, looking like this, you'd think the guy would have more of an ego than he does...  
The music begins and Rod starts singing.)_

SKASE: There's just the two of me  
Alone at last together  
We've got the luck so far  
We are my lucky star  
Deep in the heart of me  
I love every part of me  
All I can see in me  
Is danger and ecstasy  
One thing there couldn't be  
Is any more me in me  
This is the me of me  
Me me   
Me me me  
Me me me  
Me me me

_(Rod seems to feel that his mere presence on stage should be enough entertainment for the audience, standing stock still in the middle and singing into a microphone without much movement.)_

SKASE: I am my destiny  
Je croie en toujour en moi, ha ha  
I'd never lie to me  
I'd be willing to die for moi  
I'll pray every day to me  
And here's what I'd say to me   
This is the me of me  
Me me me   
Me me  
Me me me  
Me me me  
Me me me  
Oh, me me  
Me me me  
Yeah, me me  
Look at me  
Moi moi

_(Rod finishes the song and wanders off stage, pulling out his mirror and preening into it as he does so.  
The curtain drops and Di reappears.)_

WORRELL: Well, that's why Rod is as popular as he is around Sun Hill.

_(There are some snickers from backstage.)_

I'm afraid to say that we’ve arrived at the final number for the night. Sun Hill Police Station and myself want to thank you all for coming tonight and for helping us to raise over a thousand pound for the Police Widows Fund.  
But the night's not over yet. We have one final number, courtesy of DS John Boulton. John will be singing a favourite song of his - Fear's "I Don't Care About You".

_(Di leaves the stage and the curtain rises for the final time. John Boulton struts out, dressed from head to toe in black leather and wearing a scowl on his face. His leather jacket has a Union Jack on the back. He then proceeds to belt out the punk number.)_

BOULTON: Yeah!  
I'm from South Liverpool  
I'm from Scouse territory  
I've seen empty hands it was ready to freeze  
From the valley hotel

_(If the audience thought Boulton was screaming before, they are forced to rethink their opinion as he launches into the chorus at an even greater volume.)_

BOULTON: I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I seen London Bridge  
The Ritz hotel  
And I spent the night in jail  
At the Ritz Hotel  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!

_(The audience is quite clearly shocked by this little number. John's really getting into it, though.)_

BOULTON: I seen an old man have a heart attack in East London  
Well, he died while we just stood their looking at him  
Ain't he killed  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I seen men rolling drugs  
I seen bodies in the streets  
I saw a man who was sleeping in his own puke  
And a man with no legs crawl down Oxford street  
Trying to God to get something to eat

_(During the last chorus, John goes mad, running about the stage smashing things. The audience is, quite clearly, horrified.)_

BOULTON: I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
I Don't Care About You  
Fuck you!  
Fuck you!

_(As a finale he smashes the microphone into the ground. There is a very loud explosion and everything goes black.  
I think the revue is over.)_

 

****

FIN  
Tara Fleur, 8th July 2000

**Author's Note:**

> ORIGINAL SOURCES
> 
> All lyrics _(except numbers nine and twelve)_ have been found on the internet _(cos I'm too lazy to transcribe them myself)_ so don't blame me for any errors!!!  
>  _(1)_ "Dancing Queen" was originally performed by ABBA.  
>  _(2)_ " _(You Drive Me)_ Crazy" was originally performed by Britney Spears.  
>  _(3)_ "The Time Warp" is from The Rocky Horror Show and was written by Richard O'Brien.  
>  _(4)_ "Black Boys" is from HAIR and was written by Rado, Ragni and MacDermot.  
>  _(5)_ "Three Little Maids From School" is from the Mikado, written by Gilbert  & Sullivan.  
>  _(6)_ "Wannabe" was originally performed by the Spice Girls. I've changed a couple of words in the rap.  
>  _(7)_ "The Lumberjack Song" was originally written and performed by Monty Python. I think this was a Jones/Palin one, although I'm not sure. I've changed a few words here and there. I think it's obvious which ones.  
>  _(8)_ "Livin' La Vida Loca" was originally performed by Ricky Martin and was written by R. Rosa  & D. Child.  
>  _(9)_ "Flying Sheep" was written and originally performed by Monty Python.  
>  _(10)_ "You're The One That I Want" is from the musical, 'Grease'.  
>  _(11)_ "Let's Do It For Our Country" is from the musical, 'Grease 2'. I've Anglicised the lyrics a little.  
>  _(12)_ "Sweet Transvestite" is from 'The Rocky Horror Show' and written by Richard O'Brien. I've cut a few bits and pieces to make it a solo number.  
>  _(13)_ "Me Of Me" is from 'Shock Treatment' and was written by Richard O'Brien.  
>  _(14)_ "I Don't Care About You" was originally performed by Fear. Again, I've Anglicised the lyrics. 


End file.
